Dear Helena Rainjer,

Dear Helena Rainjer,

Hi. It's me, your mom. Are you reading this on your birthday? Because if your not then it means I either got too excited and made you read this early. Or I completely forgot to show this to you. Hopefully your not ten right now. Because that means I realllly forgot. But I know you hate it when I forget things, so heres hoping your reading this on November 17th 2009.

So why you might ask yourself, am I writing this letter to you? Because I love you silly girl.

Ya know, it was not so long ago that I was celebrating my 9th birthday. I remember 9 being very exciting. It meant I was almost 10. How exciting! (Oh come on Helena...I know what your thinking, poor use of the same adjective) But 9 years ago, a funny thing happened. Do you know what it is? huh huh huh do ya? You know where I'm going with this right?

YOU WERE BORN!! Chances are when your reading this, you will remember the story of your got born day because I will have told it to you the night before your birthday. Every year we go over the same thing, I went to the hospital, and then you came out. The End. Your not much for the nitty gritty birth details like Laila is. So I'm here to tell you (and whoever else is reading) what really went down that day. On November 17th 2000, it was most like every other day in November. Mommy missed school that day to have you, and Daddy stayed on a little fold out bed sleeping. I was a little scared because I knew you would come out that day, and I wasn't so sure if I had enough energy for that. But guess what else? I talked to you that morning. You were kicking alot, and I was lying on my side and I could feel you right underneathe my hands turning and twisting. I could also feel my body tightening and that hurt but not too too much.

So there I was, in the morning, lying on my side and breathing slowly. At first I talked about the weather, and I soon realized that I might be short on time, so I did something that I had never really gotten the courage to do. I talked to you. Really talked. Told you that I was excited to meet you, and hold you, for the very first time. That I couldnt wait to hear your voice. And that I was so thankful to be your mommy. Sadly, thats really all I got to say, because then the nurses walked in and wanted to check monitors and all that.

But that moment with you, literally lying next to me but where I couldnt see, stayed with me until I finally met you for the first time.

And meeting you for the very first time, was way more awesome than I ever imagined in my mind. I dont think you ever left my side our entire time in the hospital. And even though it has been 9 years I will never forget how you smelled (clean but sweet), how you felt (warm and soft) and even what you felt like in my arms (you were a big baby, so I remember my arm actually falling asleep a few times.)

And since that day, I have watched your hair grow longer, your body grow taller, and listened to everything you have to say. You have gone from my little-big baby wrapped tight like a burrito in my arms, to a beautiful, funny, smart and loving little-big girl. Your brother and sisters absolutly adore you. When you are not home, all three look for you. Laila was so excited this year to have recess with you, the first few times she came home from school she was yelling "I saw Helena at recess!!!" And we all know how Mina feels about her "Ayna" You are indeed our very special daughter. I love you so much baby girl, and I hope with the heighest hopes that your 9 is as fun and wonderful as you are.

Love,

Your mama

Dom is about 4

One night not too long ago I woke up and felt a little body in my body and thought to myself "Dominic when will you get here?" Not too long after that I woke up and knew it was time. Didn't know what to expect with a son, although I hoped he would like all my jokes that his sisters didn't appreciate. "Look mommies going to eat a worm!!" Didn't evoke the hysterical laughter I expected. Instead I got a rousing chorus of "That's disGUSting mom!" A little boy might want to watch all the movies I like to watch, Lord of the Rings always gave the girls' the ibbity jibbities. Star Wars bored them. Never Ending Story reduced them to tears, "Atreyu NOOO!!" So when I had my boy I secretly wished he would think the world of me. That I would teach him to be thoughtful, kind and able to do his own laundry. That he would hold doors open not because he had to, but because that would be the type of person he would be. Not so long ago, I waited for this boy, this Dominic, to enter my life but not quite knowing anything about him. And faster than I could ever think possible (C sections are like that) he was in my arms for the very first time. I laughed, I cried and I knew instantly that everything I knew about being a mom was thrown out the window. Sure the baby care skills were there (put lotion on the fingernails before you cut them..makes it easier) and my multitasking skills were there (put baby in sling, make dinner, and talk on the phone) but what about the things I just did not know how to do? How do I make the perfect paper airplane? Ive never really fished before...should I learn now?? So on that August day, many things I knew for sure (I loved him) but many things I didn't (is he going to cry alot?) And ever since that day I doubted myself, he has given me the one thing I trully build my strength from which is his peace. His willingness to listen, his ability to make any crazy old lady smile, and his soft voice that greats me every morning with "Hi mummy, can I have some cereal?" When I hug him he tries not to smile, but he still kisses me when no one is looking. With his birthday coming up there has been much talk over presents, cake, and going to preschool. He is not the super talkative type so when he makes requests we all stop to listen. He wants 3 things. "A skateboard with wheels. Megatron transformer, to be friends with his Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. And a clone trooper gun, not a real one though, just the play kind" His exact words. Since these were probably the most descriptive lines he has ever said in his life we dare not interrupt.

And then he went back to playing silently on the floor, but before he dumped his trains all over the place he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. My birthday IS coming up, but havent even thought about it. A card maybe? "No thats not a present" well then what do you want to get me? "I know I know! We can get you a play clone trooper gun and then we can play together, huh mummy???" And you know what, I guess thats what I want too. Here's to my little Dominic Malacai on his 4th birthday.

This is a pic of my 4th baby Mina. She is the kind of child that within moments of meeting, you clearly see what kind of child she is. Although demanding, curious, and impulsive, she is equally very charming. This is Mina, having a "Mina Moment" She is meeting a little bug who made the mistake of walking where Mina could see it.

See that cute pudgy little finger? That petite little appendage is responsibe for taking her hands many various places. If its rough, she must touch it, if its smooth she must touch it, and by God if its sticky....she must smear it. In this case Mr. Bug was smooth. So a few pokey pokes from Mina and she immediatly fell to eye level to get thisclose. She was pretty pleased with Mr. Bug, and Mr. Bug after a few short pokey pokes, was using all its defense mechanisms to assume the position of a corpse bug. This being my 4th child, I already know whats going to happen, before it happens. That doesnt mean I know how to deal with it, but I do know 5 different outcomes for every "Mina Moment" In this case she did exactly what I expected. She slapped Mr. Bug and then like Mina would, she cried that her hand was dirty. This is where it gets dicey. On the one hand, I am in the immediate situation, you know what Im talking bout. I call it Mom auto pilot, its from point A to point C, without even realizing it. I tell her "well that wasnt nice, buggy doesnt like that" Clean her hand, remind her again, "Be nice to buggy, show me nice" She smooths my arm to demonstrate nice and so we go on our marry way back outside. But that is the immediate sitch. In the back of my head I am slightly amused. Memories come back to me as I remember Helena at the same age accidently killing a roly poly; her crying because she didnt mean too. Laila at the same age quite purposefully stomping on a ladybug; she laughed only because I got 3 different kinds of upset, and so did Helena, "Thats Gods creature Laila, how could you?!" And my little Dom, same age, who took one look at a bug and said "dats yucky" And walked away.

So while I am on mom-pilot, I think of all this and inbetween marveling how each child was so different, I also marvel that my reaction was different. With Helena, I felt her pain, tried to soothe her. Laila, I still felt Helenas pain and while trying to soothe her, I was also frustrated with Laila, killing bugs? Does that mean she will become vilolent with animals?! And Dom I was just confused, Arent boys supposed to like bugs? Should I get him more books about insects so he becomes interested like all the other boys seem to be???

But ahhh, thats the beauty of the 4th child, although she can be stubborn, okay, okay, a nice way of putting it, is she has "preferences" She is still simply remarkable. Before the bug murder she was completly enthralled, that bug held her attention for a good 5 minutes before its demise. She was in fact, very exuberant to see that something so teeny tiny could have legs, and a protective covering, and it held completly still after a few pokey pokes. What made her slap the bug, I will never know, but my best guess is that her excitement got the best of her. And possibly her morbid curiosity. Although her cute, pudgy little fingers have played a hand in violence, I still

love the hands that they are attached to. And the arms, that are connected to her still, sweet smelling shoulders, that are very close to the spot where she loves tickles the best. Which are very near her sticky cheeks that I kiss whenever she will let me. After a long day filled with almost 2 adventures, in a house where 3 other children have various big kid demands, its nice to have a Mina, who continues to open my eyes and let me see things just as they are. Sometimes things get so exciting, you cant help but get your hands yucky.

Lets Get Started

This is my blog, I guess I have no idea what I am doing so since you are reading this allow me to explain, think of it as a disclaimer. I am 24. I have 4 kids. I am married. I am a feminist. An eternal optimist. A music lover. An art appreciator. An advocate for ideals and philosophies that vary on any given day. I am grateful. I am a crier. I am a giver. I am a taker. I talk too much, laugh too loud and embarrass myself frequently. I am openminded. I am forgiving. I have OCD. But I dont do the counting thing. I have been crippled by depression. I have been victimized by it, and have reached the other side as the victor. I have insomnia. I read. I research. I love learning. I take critics and parenting books with a grain of salt. I listen to my gut. I am finding my way in the world. I have seen the village and I will raise my own. I am ruthless. You will find you may not like me. You may find that you love me. I am raising the bar and hoping to exceed all of the statistics expectations. I question everything I read. I believe in the power of people, not our government. I believe in hope. I am eternally optimistic. And I tend to repeat myself to make my point clear.